Why I Like to Chop Onions

Juan Orozco
Juan Orozco

I made lasagna for dinner today, turkey and cheese, mm-mmm.  I used a recipe off of the AllRecipe.com app for iPhone.  It turned out to be the best meat lasagna I've ever eaten.

[Flickr User: adulau][1]
Flickr User: adulau

While I was chopping some onions, I came to the realization that I actually enjoy chopping onions. It's like one of those tasks that are so arduous and annoying, but in the end, very satisfying. It's like an affirmation of our superiority on this planet.  Or, think of it as a battle, a battle with bayonets, chemical warfare, death, and the devouring of your enemies. (Ok, just follow me with this.  I have a point. Promise.)

See, onions didn't always emit noxious fumes that, when collected in your eyes, incapacitate you.  I'm sure at one point onions were docile little root-balls, tasty, but docile.  (I have no real evidence of this, I'm just sayin'.)  Then through generations of evolution, they developed a very effective defense system that is present in today's onion.  Humans have yet to develop an immunity to this defensive tactic.  But we do have one thing the onion doesn't: resolve.

So there I am, chopping the seemingly defenseless onion to bits.  It's ultimate fate?  Sauteed with a pound of ground turkey. It is knife versus wussy onion skin.  Then my eyes begin to water - the fight has gone from hand-to-hand combat to chemical warfare.  If I wipe the tears, the chemical just waits for more tears and continues its attack. The easiest counter to the onions defenses is to wear those awesome onion goggles - but c'mon where is the victory in that?  Personally, I chose to just stick it out.  Cut a few times, then dab the tears with my sleeve.  Repeat until completely chopped.

There's something to be said about people that don't take short cuts, that just "suck it up" and continue forward.  I'm not saying people that use the onion goggles are lesser humans, but the victory is sweeter without them.  In short, chopping onions is proof of, not only our superiority, but our unlimited strength and ingenuity.

I now realize that I need to have some background noise going on while I cook.  Nevertheless, my point has been made and I still feel it is valid.  Now, go fight the onion horde, comrade, and hold your head high.